You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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