wrigley field is MILF paradise
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
