Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize