you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
