White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Operation Purity has been aborted
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
