Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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