Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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