I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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