My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
They have beer where we have blood.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
