If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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