What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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