Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
