WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm like, not good at living.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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