i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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