so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I AM VODKA MAN
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize