Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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