There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
