I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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