sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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