There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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