there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
