When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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