Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
