Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
