God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
