I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
