I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
