I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Randomize
