the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
