I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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