I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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