8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
