Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
