well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
