we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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