Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
