I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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