after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
