The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
