We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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