Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
