Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
