yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
