"it" just moved
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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