Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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