I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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