and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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