And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
