can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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