are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
