Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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