Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
