My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
