I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
i now understand why vodka
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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