Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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