3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Im part way to drunk.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
