Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
