What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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