I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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