even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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