When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
