I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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