Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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