Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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