Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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